A man backed his bright, shiny new Cadillac out of the driveway and headed for the freeway on his daily commute to work downtown. He was busily shaving himself as he drove–a normal operation for him. I suppose he had his radio on, and he was listening to the news and traffic reports as he made his way to his office. Witnesses say that suddenly he reached up behind his neck and slumped over the wheel. The car swerved and went into a culvert, and he was killed. His car was completely demolished. An autopsy was ordered. Ad they began to put together the details, a keen-thinking physician noticed a small pinprick behind the man’s ear where a wasp had probably flown from behind the seat, or some part of the car, and had stung him, temporarily paralyzing a particular area of the nerve and blinding him with pain. He slumped over the wheel, lost control of the car, and died. Normally a grown man with normal strength can just swat away a little wasp with no problem. But when that wasp struck its mark, it led to a fatal crash. (Chuck Swindoll’s Ultimate Book of Illustrations & Quotes, pg. 180). The wasp need not be big to cripple a man. That tiny insect reminds us that we are deeply vulnerable to excruciating pain – when attacked in the right place. That happened long ago to Jacob. After a lifetime of fighting his way out of being a manipulator and learning God’s gentle way forward, he went through a crushing and painful defeat – he lost his son Joseph. Nothing could take the pain away, until God mended his broken heart with a miracle he never saw coming!
Key Principle: God can mend what no man can mend – a broken heart. He can reach into pain from years ago, and rescue you when you cannot rescue yourself!
It isn’t only a wasp that can paralyze us with its sting. GUILT has the same ability. Dr. David Seaman’s in “Healing for Damaged Emotions” says, “The two primary causes of emotional stress are the failure to forgive and the failure to receive forgiveness.” [David Seaman. Healing for Damaged Emotions. (Wheaton: Victor Books, 1981) ]
Let’s go back and look: Genesis records no less than three visits of Joseph’s family to get them into Egypt. It was a long account, but a necessary one. The whole reconciliation process can seem drawn out, but each part of the story is essential to understanding this very important part of the map book on “how to mend broken relationships”. Look for a moment at the stages of the narrative and how they help us:
In the first visit of Jacob’s Family to Egypt (Genesis 42) we were able to see how a guilty conscience works out. The chapter demonstrated clear directives on how to spot a guilty conscience, and the absolute minimum requirement involved in getting past the guilt and entering the restoration process. We saw that until guilty people take responsibility for their behaviors, even though they can be FORGIVEN, they cannot be FULLY RESTORED in the relationship.
In the second visit of Jacob’s Family to Egypt (43-45) we see reconciliation occur. The narrative offers us two simple stages – preparation for reconciliation (43) and actions of reconciliation (44-45).
In Genesis 43, in our last study on the preparations for reconciliation, we saw that specific preparations must be made to reconcile two estranged parties. If we ignore the specific ingredients of the preparation and try to force the situation – it will likely fail and our roads will never meet. The preparations include:
1. The root problems needed to surface: Jacob needed to recall that sending his son away at 17 was a bad choice. Passive parenting was a bad choice. Playing favorites was a bad choice, and he was still doing it in Benjamin! The brothers needed to own the responsibility for one another and care about what their actions did to their dad.
2. The irresponsible parties needed to take responsibility: In this case, Judah took responsibility for Benjamin and showed the boys were prepared to own the past and face the future.
3. All the parties needed to recognize that they were not able to control things: Jacob had to trust God with his past and his future. The brothers faced their vulnerability and fear as they again appeared before a long lost brother that was still disguised from them.
4. Even the hurt party needed to change. Joseph faced all the pain of the past with an open hand of forgiveness. He took the time to truly see his brothers were ready for reconciliation, and then he didn’t hesitate to give it! If the hurt party is unwilling to relinquish their pain – there can be no ultimate reconciliation.
Before we move to the actions of reconciliation, I want to make two observations here:
First, God took his time describing these events. He didn’t rush. We want QUICK FIXES to all of life’s problems. Reconciling a broken relationship is a tricky thing. It is not like a plumbing leak – it requires more than a simple formula. It requires a prayerful heart and a vulnerable spirit. It requires time and attention. It is not automatic, and it is COSTLY.
Second, it occurs to me that Joseph’s testing helps us see that real reconciliation will likely take on a process in STAGES. It is not quick an automatic, but gradual and with some setbacks. God doesn’t pull His Divine punches – He is up front about PROCESS when that is what is called for.
Now all was set and ready for the RECONCILIATION to take place. The Bible portrays that FIRST it happened with the BOYS, then finally with DAD – the end point of the whole redemption story! In Genesis 44 and 45 we see seven actions of reconciliation.
Relationships are tricky things, and broken relationships are even more difficult to navigate. After preparation, the day of restoration came to Joseph and his brothers. Both had been apart a long time, and both had changed. JOSEPH was no longer indiscreet about what he shared with others (he knew how to keep his mouth shut!), and THE BROTHERS were no longer cold and uncaring toward their father’s heart. They were all ready for the RECONCILIATION.
Let’s move back into the room with Joseph, where we left him in the midst of a feast, with his family seated in family order around the table. His steward is overseeing the meal, and is pulled aside by the host. The passage opens with the final test Joe gave to his brothers before reconciliation…if you took the time to read chapter 44, you would find the story unfolds in two parts – the set up and the plea:
The Set up (44:1-17)
Joe pulled aside his steward and told him to set up his brothers. Give them the grain they came for, but add a silver cup in the top of Benjamin’s sack. Load the donkeys and send the boys on their way. As the boys left the area, Joe’s men were sent to retrieve the cup and bring the boys back for a third visit. Joe’s servants caught up to his brothers, and the brothers were indignant when accused – they hadn’t stolen anything! Sacks were checked, and hearts sank when the cup was found in the sack of youngest – Benjamin. It appeared to the brothers that everything was upside down. Instead of them plotting against their youngest brother – as they had in the case of Joseph – their now youngest brother appeared to set them up! The men were led back to Joseph, who demanded that Benjamin be taken as a slave for the theft.
The issue is a simple one: the boys had to experience what it meant to be totally taken off guard and betrayed by someone they put trust in. The lesson is NOT that we should put the people who hurt us through tests, but that people will be tested before they are ready to reconcile. People who don’t admit their wrong, even to themselves, aren’t eligible to reconcile. Self justification must die before guilt can settle in its proper place – the pain that pushes us to change.
The Plea (44:18-33)
Judah then emerged from the men and pleaded the case on behalf of Benjamin and Jacob, his father. Judah, the same man that sought to profit from the sale of Joe so long ago with the words, “Where is the profit in killing our brother, let us sell him, for he is our own flesh”, was now begging Joe to allow HIM to replace the boy for punishment. Judah pleaded: “My dad will DIE if we come home without him. How could I let that happen?”
Again, the chapter offers us a simple lesson: Change has to occur in the heart before it can occur in the relationship. Joe could clearly see that this was NOT the old Judah – it was an older, softer and more broken Judah. He was not wheeling and dealing to get something from the exchange. He was not thinking of NOW – but of the RETURN to his dad – and the broken heart that Jacob would have. He was not prepared to see that happen. His heart had truly changed.
The Seven Actions of Reconciliation (45:1-28)
Now comes the exciting part, at least for the brothers! You can hear the music building in the background, as the eyes of Joseph well up with tears. The tests are OVER. He has seen enough to know the time for the big reveal is there.
The Love Cover (45:1-3)
45:1 Then Joseph could not control himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried, “Have everyone go out from me.” So there was no man with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. 2 He wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard it, and the household of Pharaoh heard of it. 3 Then Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still alive?” But his brothers could not answer him, for they were dismayed at his presence.
Action One – Practical Love Renewed: Note that Joe was not willing that others outside the family hear the evil that was done to him. This reveals a beginning action of reconciliation – protection is renewed and re-established. Joe isn’t worried about recompense for what they did – he wants to COVER THEM in what they did and keep it a matter of the family. Gossip is the desire to spread something that is hurtful to another. LOVE is the desire to COVER IT.
The Charge Privately Stated (45:4)
4 Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Please come closer to me.” And they came closer. And he said, “I am your brother Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt.
Action Two – Problem Openly Exposed: There is no point in hoping for reconciliation with communication that flatly sets the problem between the two parties. You cannot expect to forgive or be forgiven and then be fully restored by burying the problem. One of the great lies the enemy whispers is: “It is pointless to bring it up, it was a LONG TIME AGO!” That isn’t true, because it is still RIGHT THERE affecting your relationship. Ignoring the impulse doesn’t make it right – it just buries conflict and trades a DÉTENTE for REAL PEACE.
I agree with the writer that shared (sermon central illustrations):
- Forgiveness is not overlooking the wrong. Joseph did not pretend that nothing had ever happened. Joseph clearly said “you meant it for evil but God meant it for good.” (50:20). Joseph did not minimize the wrong they had done.
- Forgiveness is not excusing the wrong. Forgiveness is not finding excuses for the wrong that was done. What happened was not the result of a bad home environment, poverty or any of the other things that society uses to excuse sin!
- Forgiveness is not minimizing the wrong. No where does Joseph say, “Boys don’t worry about it, it was not that big a deal!” Forgiveness never meant that Joseph had minimize what pain of what had happened to him.
- Forgiveness is not taking the blame for the wrong. Joseph did not say, “Its ok boys I know it was my fault, I should have never worn my fancy robe of many colors into the field, I should never have told you about those dreams.” Forgiveness did not mean that Joseph had to take the blame for what had happened. No matter what Joseph said or did, it did not excuse what his brothers had done.
The Practical Solution Extended (45:5-11)
5 “Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. 6 “For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. 7 “God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. 8 “Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his household and ruler over all the land of Egypt.
Action Three – Divine Perspective given: To heal the breach, Joe called on lessons that God taught him in the midst of the pain of his life. He opened the lessons in stages:
1. He allowed them to see that they alone were not in control of his fate – God was at work. This was a word of GRACE to the guilty (45:5).
2. He opened the door to the whole set of lessons that God revealed to him through the experiences that allowed them to see how his perspective was reshaped by God (45:6-7).
45:9 “Hurry and go up to my father, and say to him, ‘Thus says your son Joseph, “God has made me lord of all Egypt; come down to me, do not delay. 10 “You shall live in the land of Goshen, and you shall be near me, you and your children and your children’s children and your flocks and your herds and all that you have. 11 “There I will also provide for you, for there are still five years of famine to come, and you and your household and all that you have would be impoverished.”’ 12 “Behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin see, that it is my mouth which is speaking to you. 13 “Now you must tell my father of all my splendor in Egypt, and all that you have seen; and you must hurry and bring my father down here.”
Action Four – Help Requested: He asked them to DO SOMETHIING for him, allowing them the dignity of a continued relationship, instead of writing them off as worthless. He had the power to get Jacob through his own messengers, but asked them for HELP (45:8-13)
The Open Display of Affection (45:14-15)
14 Then he fell on his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept, and Benjamin wept on his neck. 15 He kissed all his brothers and wept on them, and afterward his brothers talked with him.
Action Five – Love displayed: Joe wasn’t content to just SAY that he forgave them; he showed them LOVE. He couldn’t contain his desire to be one of them again. He would never be the “little Joe” of the pit again – God grew him out of the hurt and gave him a higher view of his life then the VICTIMIZATION that could have characterized him. It didn’t come instantly. Years of jail later, Joe was ready to be used of God in the starring role of his life. The key was that he moved past the hurt and into the PLAN, excited that God could use him in a cell or a throne room. Now he was ready to LOVE – a whole man, not a broken and victimized child! Showing love is always required for real reconciliation.
The Testimony to unbelievers (45:16-24)
16 Now when the news was heard in Pharaoh’s house that Joseph’s brothers had come, it pleased Pharaoh and his servants. 17 Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Say to your brothers, ‘Do this: load your beasts and go to the land of Canaan, 18 and take your father and your households and come to me, and I will give you the best of the land of Egypt and you will eat the fat of the land.’ 19 “Now you are ordered, ‘Do this: take wagons from the land of Egypt for your little ones and for your wives, and bring your father and come. 20 ‘Do not concern yourselves with your goods, for the best of all the land of Egypt is yours.’” 21 Then the sons of Israel did so; and Joseph gave them wagons according to the command of Pharaoh, and gave them provisions for the journey. 22 To each of them he gave changes of garments, but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver and five changes of garments. 23 To his father he sent as follows: ten donkeys loaded with the best things of Egypt, and ten female donkeys loaded with grain and bread and sustenance for his father on the journey. 24 So he sent his brothers away, and as they departed, he said to them, “Do not quarrel on the journey.” 25 Then they went up from Egypt, and came to the land of Canaan to their father Jacob. 26 They told him, saying, “Joseph is still alive, and indeed he is ruler over all the land of Egypt.” But he was stunned, for he did not believe them.
Action Six – Trust Renewed: When handled discreetly, the family’s testimony before the world was held together. At the same time, the brothers experienced a very practical action of reconciliation – they were TRUSTED with valuable things again. They were given much to bring Jacob, who Joe was trusting was still alive because of their word, to Egypt. For real reconciliation to occur, TRUST must be built back into the relationship.
It occurs to me that trust must be renewed because FORGIVENESS MUST BE ACCEPTED. They needed to take the gifts and travel, thinking about what had happened. They needed to slay the demons of guilt and shame, and accept the forgiveness that was offered. Chuck Swindoll says in his book on Joseph, “Guilt clings to the side of the boat, clawing for a foothold, long after grace has come on board and begun to steer.” [Charles Swindoll. Joseph: A Man of Integrity and Forgiveness. (Nashville: Word Pub., 1998) pp. 144-145.]
The Hope reborn (45:27-28)
27 When they told him all the words of Joseph that he had spoken to them, and when he saw the wagons that Joseph had sent to carry him, the spirit of their father Jacob revived. 28 Then Israel said, “It is enough; my son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die.”
Action Seven – Let the Restored Testify: Allowing the brothers to share the good news to their father allowed them to see his eyes light up. Joe could have taken that from them, and sent a messenger to have Jacob come and retrieve the boys – but that was not the right way to restore the broken family. When reconciliation comes to a broken life, and broken home or a broken relationship – it is a platform of testimony!
Look at how far we have come in Jacob’s life! In the life of the manipulator and trickster, the final trick had been pulled – this one by God Himself – through a series of Providential dealings to save his life and his family. God stepped in and dealt with Jacob’s heart yet again. God can mend what no man can mend – a broken heart. He can reach into pain from years ago, and rescue you when you cannot rescue yourself!
